Surrogacy for gay parents has become one of the most meaningful paths to building a family.
For two dads, the journey often begins with an egg donor and a surrogate who carries their child through in vitro fertilization (IVF). While the medical and legal steps are important, the experience is also deeply emotional for both intended parents and the surrogate who chooses to support them.
In this post, I’ll share my perspective as a surrogate who carried for gay parents, along with practical insights into what surrogacy involves, the unique dynamics for gay couples, and the resources available to help make the process a success.
For gay dads, surrogacy is often the clearest path to parenthood. The process is structured, with medical, legal, and emotional steps designed to protect everyone involved.
Because two men cannot provide an egg, the first step is selecting an egg donor. Intended parents can choose an anonymous donor, a known donor, or sometimes a family member.
Donors are screened for health, genetics, and personal history.
Embryos are created through IVF, using the donor’s eggs and sperm from one or both dads. Some couples choose to fertilize half the eggs with each partner’s sperm, allowing them to have biological connections across multiple children.
The surrogate (gestational carrier) is the woman who will carry the pregnancy. She has no genetic connection to the child. Matching is done through agencies or clinics, with careful screening to ensure medical readiness and personal compatibility.
Surrogacy laws vary by state and country.
In some places, intended parents can secure a pre-birth order establishing their parental rights.
In others, adoption steps may be required after birth. Working with an experienced attorney ensures these rights are clear from the beginning.
A typical surrogacy journey lasts 18–24 months from matching to birth. Costs in the U.S. often range from $100,000 to $150,000 or more, covering agency fees, surrogate compensation, medical treatment, and legal services.
When I first considered becoming a surrogate, I realized that the desire to have a child is universal. It isn’t defined by sexuality, gender, or culture. For two dads, surrogacy is often the only way to grow their family, and I knew I wanted to be part of making that possible. So I decided to match intentionally with gay parents. I believed that if I could carry a child for them, I could help create a loving family that already had everything it needed except a womb.
One of the most rewarding parts of becoming a surrogate for gay parents was discovering how much positivity they brought into the journey. Their approach, their relationships, and even their humor made the experience unforgettable.
Many intended mothers come to surrogacy after infertility struggles, miscarriages, or failed IVF attempts, which can weigh heavily on the process. My intended dads came into surrogacy with a clean slate. They were full of optimism from the very beginning, and it was uplifting to share in that joy. (Naturally, it can also be extremely rewarding to help a couple who have suffered emotional wounds to heal through the birth of their child.)
Because the journey wasn’t weighed down by guilt or grief, there was room for lightheartedness.
We joked about baby clothes, exchanged funny texts, and shared countless laughs during the pregnancy. That sense of humor made the process more relaxed and helped us bond even more closely.
The dads also chose their partner knowing someday they would need help with having children if they mutually decided upon this. For many people, choosing a mate is based on procreation, but when traditional means of procreation are off the table, the relationships I have witnessed are very special.
My gay parents were polar opposites, one was a farmer and the other was a brain surgeon, and yet they were the perfect balances to each other: true partners in every sense. Their supportive, loving relationship with each other translated to a very supportive relationship with me as their surrogate.
When I gave birth, it was quite literally “Three Men and a Baby”.
With my husband present and both dads and our wonderful doula, we had an incredible birth experience. I have never felt as much love in one room as I did on that day.
When a surrogate delivers for two dads, the delivery has a different dynamic. While most intended moms would want to hold their baby immediately, and understandably so, this was a different experience.
As soon as their sweet boy was born, he went immediately onto one dad’s chest, but only for a moment. I was completely taken by surprise when he then placed the baby on me next, so he could wrap his arms around us both as we cried the most joyful tears of his safe arrival.
I didn’t feel like I was just a surrogate that day; I felt like a part of their family in a very unique way.
It was apparent to my intended dads that their children were going to have some questions as they grew up about how they were born.
They chose to be very open and to have ongoing communication with their surrogates. Both myself and their first surrogate have seen the children since the birth, and we get lots of pictures and updates.
We get the honor of seeing all of that pure joy that these incredible parents brought to the table when we first met them, now illuminating the lives of their two beautiful boys.
Least important (but also very sweet) were the gifts they brought me and my family.
I love my husband more than anything, but his taste in jewelry is that of most heterosexual men. I will never forget the beautiful necklace my intended dads brought me; they had exquisite taste.
They paid attention to the small details that men generally miss, like whether they noticed me wearing white or yellow gold, big statement pieces, or small, subtle charms. And they chose a gift for me that I will cherish forever.
I love it because I know how much thought they put into choosing it, so when I look at it, I see all of the love and thought they put into supporting me during our journey.
For gay dads, legal preparation is one of the most important steps in the surrogacy process. Laws vary significantly by state and country, so working with attorneys who specialize in reproductive and family law is essential.
In many U.S. states, intended parents can obtain a pre-birth order that legally recognizes them as the child’s parents before delivery. In other states, this recognition doesn’t happen until after the baby is born, requiring additional steps such as a second-parent adoption.
Some states are highly surrogacy-friendly, while others restrict or even prohibit commercial surrogacy. For international couples, laws in both the surrogate’s country and their own home country must be considered. For example, while New York only legalized gestational surrogacy in 2021, California has long been considered one of the most supportive states for intended parents.
A surrogacy contract protects not just the intended parents but also the surrogate and her family. These agreements outline compensation, decision-making authority during pregnancy, and expectations for contact before and after birth. For gay parents especially, a clear contract ensures that parental rights are secure from the very beginning.
I chose to help gay parents, and it was absolutely the right choice for me and my family. I observed as the hearts and minds of people around me who witnessed my journey opened. This loving family just happened to come in a different shape than some, but they had everything a traditional family would have to offer a child. I look at the extraordinary lives these children have with so much love around them, and I never worry for a moment what the future holds for them. If you’re a gay parent (or anyone in the LGBTQ+ community) and you’re considering parenthood, Hatch would be happy to answer any further questions you may have regarding family development options.
To speak with one of our specialists, send us a message at your earliest convenience.
Have questions about your journey to parenthood? Download a testimonial from two of our Intended Parents to learn about: