Thinking About Being a Surrogate for a Friend? Here’s What You Should Know

Saying yes to carrying a child for someone close to you isn’t just a kind gesture, it’s a deeply personal, life-changing commitment. If you’re considering becoming a surrogate for a friend or family member, it’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions and to have a lot of questions. This guide walks you through what to expect-emotionally, legally, and medically-so you can make an informed decision that’s right for you and your loved ones

First, Let’s Talk About the Emotional Side

Being a surrogate for someone you care about can create a powerful bond, but it can also stir up some unexpected feelings. Many women describe the experience as incredibly fulfilling, while others find parts of it emotionally challenging, especially after giving birth. Both reactions are completely valid.

That’s why emotional readiness is just as important as physical health. Before taking any steps forward, it’s essential to have open, honest conversations with the intended parent(s). Topics to discuss might include:

• What will your relationship look like during and after the pregnancy?
• What kind of emotional and logistical support do you both need?

• What role, if any, will you have in the child’s life after birth?

It’s also a good idea to speak with a therapist, ideally one who has experience with surrogacy. Many women also find comfort and clarity by connecting with other surrogates through online communities or support groups.

Legal and Medical Requirements (Yes, Even for Friends)

Even if the arrangement is between close friends or relatives, all legal and medical requirements for surrogacy should still apply. These safeguards are designed to protect everyone involved, especially the baby.

Here’s a snapshot of the most common requirements:

These requirements may vary slightly by clinic or agency, but they form the general foundation for a safe surrogacy process. Check here for a deeper look into Surrogate Requirements and Qualifications. Intended parents also have some requirements.

Health & Lifestyle Expectations

Being a surrogate goes beyond meeting medical qualifications. You’ll also need to maintain a healthy lifestyle throughout the process.

Here’s what that typically includes:

• Nutrition: A whole-foods-based diet, plenty of leafy greens, lean proteins, healthy fats, and lots of water, it doesn’t have to be perfect and occasional cravings can be enjoyed, but an overall balanced diet optimizes prenatal health
• Exercise: Low-impact activity like walking, swimming, or prenatal yoga
• Prenatal Care: Regular OB/GYN visits, ultrasounds, and lab work

• Mental Health: Therapy, counseling, or peer support can help you stay grounded and emotionally healthy

What the Surrogacy Process Looks Like (If you utilize an Agency)

Even if you’re helping a family member or friend, many surrogates decide to still work with an agency to ensure that the “business” aspects of surrogacy are handled by a third party so that uncomfortable conversations about money and pregnancy restrictions don’t interfere with your close relationship during the process. Curious about what to expect if you opt to utilize an agency? Here’s a simplified step-by-step look at how the process typically unfolds:

1. Initial Consultation: Connect with a reputable surrogacy agency or fertility clinic
2. Application: Provide your medical and personal background
3. Screenings: Undergo social, medical evaluations and psychological assessments
4. Matching: Connect with the family you will be helping
5. Legal Contracts:Work with expert attorneys to sign legal agreements that clearly outline everyone’s rights and responsibilities
6. IVF Process Begins: This includes hormone treatments and the embryo transfer
7. Pregnancy: Attend regular checkups and stay in close communication with the intended parents

1. Birth & Transition: You give birth, and the intended parents assume full care of the baby

Patience and understanding is crucial during surrogacy. Things might not go how everyone planned. Especially during the IVF process and embryo transfer. Even in a surrogacy arrangement with a friend or family member, legal contracts are essential. They help avoid confusion or conflict by clearly stating expectations around medical decisions, parental rights, and post-birth plans.

Talking About Money (Even If You’re Doing It Altruistically)

If you’re not accepting compensation for being a surrogate (referred to as altruistic surrogacy) it’s still important to put clear agreements in writing around reimbursable expenses. These may include:

• Medical bills
• Travel costs
• Time off work
• Childcare/housekeeping if you have to bedrest
• Insurance coverage

Being upfront about finances helps avoid awkward conversations later and ensures that both parties understand who is responsible for what. If you’re curious about the full breakdown of what compensation can look like, even if it’s not part of your arrangement, check out this guide on surrogate and egg donor costs.

Communication Is Everything

Surrogacy, especially between people who are already close, can be incredibly meaningful, but it can also test a relationship. Honest, ongoing communication is key to keeping things healthy and respectful.

Make time to talk openly about:

• Boundaries
• Expectations during pregnancy
• How you’ll manage difficult moments together

And don’t underestimate the value of having your own support network whether that’s your partner, family, friends, or healthcare team.

Agency vs. Independent: Which is right for you?

If you plan to carry for a friend or family member you will need to decide together whether to utilize an agency for support or navigate the journey independently. 

The benefits of working with an agency include:

• Having a buffer for your relationship if challenges arise that will support positive communication
• Expert guidance every step of the way which can help to mitigate emotional, financial, and legal risks 
• Thorough screening for all parties for everyone’s health, safety and peace of mind
• If you go to an agency pre-matched, and both you and the parents meet the recommended guidelines for surrogacy, your journey can proceed rapidly
• While utilizing an agency may have some upfront cost for the intended parents, it can help the parents avoid huge financial pitfalls and can help to ensure you also receive fair compensation for you and your family for the surrogacy journey.

The benefits of having an independent journey include:

• A lower cost for the intended parents assuming all goes smoothly
• More relaxed policies if you and the intended parents do not meet conventional guidelines for surrogacy 

Miranda’s Surrogacy Story: A Match Made by Family

I began seriously considering surrogacy around 2018. I knew it was something I truly wanted to do, but I also knew I didn’t want to match with just anyone. I started making a list of qualities I was looking for in intended parents (IPs), while also reaching out to people I knew who had either been surrogates or were currently on their own journeys. I joined online support groups and connected with a growing surrogacy community on social media to learn as much as I could. Ultimately, my perfect match came from my cousin attending a wedding in Italy where they were seated with the Mother-in-Law of my future Intended Parent!

After my cousin put us in touch, my Intended Mom (IM) and I met for the first time at a coffee shop in the town between us. It honestly felt a bit like a first date—in the best way—full of nerves and excitement. We talked about the testing I might undergo before transfer, agreed on transferring only one embryo, and discussed how many embryos she had/whether she planned to retrieve more. She had experienced a lot of loss by that point and had already spoken with several potential Surrogates, so she came prepared with insights from her fertility doctor.

We chose to have an independent journey, meaning we handled everything ourselves—but more importantly, we handled it together. Her IVF doctor and their team were also incredibly helpful and supportive. Because we communicated so openly and honestly through all the twists, turns, and surprises of the process, we developed a strong bond. She came to all my appointments, spent time with my daughter and me, met my family, held my hand during the harder procedures, and—due to COVID restrictions—was my one support person during the birth of her daughter. I learned so much through this experience, and I couldn’t have asked for a more involved partner on this journey.

Final Takeaway: It’s a Big Commitment - But You’re Not Alone

Becoming a surrogate for a friend is one of the most compassionate gifts you can offer, but it’s not a simple one. It’s important not to rush into this huge commitment. The emotional, legal, and physical demands are real, and each part of the process deserves careful thought and planning.

If you’re seriously considering this path, take the time to:

• Review all medical and legal requirements
• Have candid conversations with the intended parents
• Build a strong personal support system
• Seek advice from professionals and experienced surrogates

You’re making a big decision, but you don’t have to do it alone. Even when you choose to carry for a friend or family member you can still opt to have the support of an experienced agency. At Hatch we have facilitated journeys for pre-matched cases, and provided both sides with the added reassurance of expert screening for both parties, and compassionate support throughout the surrogacy so they could focus on the excitement of the impending birth while we made sure all their needs were met.