The search for your surrogate is an exciting and emotional time for intended parents. As the woman who could potentially carry your future baby, selecting your surrogate is a major decision in your journey to parenthood.
Part of the matching process with your future surrogate involves sharing a “Dear Surrogate” letter. Your surrogate letter allows you to introduce yourself to your potential surrogate and her family, and familiarize her with your family and lifestyle.
For intended parents writing their first “Dear Surrogate” letter, let’s cover some things to include and what to know about writing to your future surrogate.
How to write your letter to your future surrogate
It may seem awkward to write such an intimate letter to a stranger, but you’ll be sharing many other profound and personal moments during your journey. This letter is the first impression you’ll make on the woman who may be helping you build your future family.
You may even be writing this letter to your child, who can read it later when they’re older.
The most compelling Dear Surrogate letters come from the heart.
Here are some helpful hints that can give you a foundation for your message.
Starting your letter
Before you dive into family history or personal information, start by thanking your potential surrogate.
It might sound obvious or straightforward, but you’d be surprised how many people forget to do this. Your words of gratitude are always an appropriate beginning and ending to the letter, and will go a long way to show her your level of appreciation for what she’s doing.
Share stories of your life and experiences
You may want to tell your potential surrogate about why you want to become parents and provide her with a history of your struggles on your path to parenthood.
It’s important to balance being honest and heartfelt while avoiding too many details that could be overwhelming or emotional.
Let her know that through her, you’ll have hope back in your life. It’s also nice to give her a brief introduction into your lives: your relationship, your work, your family, how you met, and interesting pastimes or hobbies you may enjoy.
Describe what your surrogate can expect
When writing your “Dear Surrogate” letter, address what kind of relationship or support the surrogate can expect from you, how often you can visit, and how you would prefer to communicate.
The most enjoyable surrogacy journeys are built on positive communication.
By outlining the relationship you hope to have with your surrogate, you can both identify if the match is conducive to a positive relationship. Remember, surrogacy is a team lift!
Share pictures
As important as words can be, photos are also a great way to increase your connection. Please talk about your pets, if applicable, and include photos.
If you have pictures of your wedding, extended family, vacations, your home, or anything else important to you, share these with your potential surrogate and her family.
Get creative!
When writing your surrogate letter, there’s no minimum or maximum length. The most important criterion is that it’s sincere and written from the heart. Some people put a lot of effort and creativity into these letters, such as scrapbooks, binders, and even videos with music.
What to leave out of your letter
While it's important to be open and personal, there are a few things to hold back until after you've been matched.
Avoid including your last name, home address, workplace, or any social media handles — in the age of technology, it's wise to protect your privacy until you've both decided the match feels right. First names are perfectly fine.
It's also worth keeping your fertility journey honest but measured.
Sharing your path to surrogacy helps your surrogate connect with your story, but an overwhelming amount of grief or medical detail in a first letter can feel heavy for both parties. Save the deeper conversations for when you've built a relationship.
Common mistakes to avoid in your surrogate letter
- Being too formal. This isn't a cover letter or a legal document. Surrogates respond to warmth and authenticity.
- Making it one-sided. A common mistake is writing entirely about what you want from the journey without acknowledging her experience. She's making a significant commitment and the letter should reflect that you understand that.
- Being vague about the relationship you want. Saying you're "open to whatever she's comfortable with" sounds flexible, but can actually create uncertainty. Surrogates appreciate intended parents who have thought about what they want, even if the details are still flexible.
- Waiting until it's perfect. Many intended parents over-edit to the point where the letter loses its personality. A slightly imperfect letter that sounds like a real person will always land better than a polished one that doesn't.
A sample "Dear Surrogate" letter
The letter below is a template to help you find your voice. Use it as a starting point, then make it your own.
Dear Surrogate,
We don't quite know how to begin a letter like this, so we'll start with the most important thing: thank you. Thank you for reading this, for considering this journey, and for being the kind of person who would even explore something so generous. Whatever you decide, the fact that you're here means something to us.
We're [Name] and [Name], and we've been together for [X] years. We met [brief, warm detail — a city, a shared friend, a coincidence], and we've spent the time since building a life we're really proud of.
We live in [general location], where we spend our weekends [hobby or routine — hiking, cooking, at farmers markets, cheering at our nephew's soccer games]. Our home is [warm, brief description — loud and full of people / quiet and full of books / somewhere in between]. We have [a dog named X / no pets yet but we're working on it].
We've wanted to be parents for as long as we can remember. What brought us to surrogacy was [a brief, honest description — a medical diagnosis, years of fertility treatment, a path that simply led here]. It wasn't the road we expected, but we've made peace with that, and today, we feel hopeful in a way we haven't in a long time. You're a big part of why.
As for what this journey would look like with us: we'd love to be present and involved, while always following your lead on what feels comfortable. We'd want to hear from you regularly because we genuinely care about how you're doing. We're open to [calls, texts, visits — whatever feels natural], and we'd love to be there for appointments if you're open to it.
After the birth, we hope to stay in touch in whatever way feels right for you and your family. We're not looking to draw a hard line; we're just looking to build something that works for everyone.
We know this letter is just a first step, and we know you're reading many of them. We hope ours gives you a real sense of who we are. We'd love the chance to get to know you.
With so much gratitude, [Name] and [Name]
Find your surrogate
For 30+ years, intended parents like you have been coming to Hatch Fertility for one thing: a successful pregnancy.
Whether from the Los Angeles area or halfway around the world, you’ll feel confident working with one of the most experienced egg donor and surrogate agencies in the world as an intended parent. You’ll be guided through the selection of an egg donor or surrogate every step of the way, from initial consult to pregnancy.
If you’re considering using a surrogate for your journey to parenthood, contact us to speak to our friendly care coordinators for more information.