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surrogacy communications

Setting Expectations for Your Relationship with Intended Parents

December 8, 2021

Surrogacy is a beautiful journey for both you as a surrogate and the intended parents. It is a truly rewarding and intimate experience. The relationship between you and the intended parents can be one of the best parts of your journey. 

However, there are often questions around what type of relationship can develop between a surrogate and the intended parents; what’s appropriate or wanted by each party is an important factor to assure the best possible experience for all people involved.  

When starting the surrogacy journey, it is crucial to set expectations for communication between you and the intended parents. Your relationship with them may come with challenges at times and understanding the boundaries of communication early on can often alleviate misunderstandings around communication expectations.

This article helps you to be prepared and establish a healthy relationship.  A lot of relationships between intended parents and surrogates are incredibly positive and end up creating life-long friendships. 

When you work with Hatch, our specialists will support you throughout the whole journey and act as a mediator between you and the intended parents. As you match with intended parents and build your relationship, you will also connect with other surrogates through Hatch’s support groups and online communities to share this exciting experience together. 

We will do everything in our power to make you feel loved, cherished, and appreciated as you give the gift of parenthood to the intended parents. 

Before conception

When you are matched with the intended parents, it is important to establish communication frequency and methods as one of the first steps. Everyone prefers different types of communication, and it is important to discuss what everyone is comfortable with upfront. In terms of communication type, many people prefer using direct text messages or chatting apps, however, some might prefer using email to help in preserving the documentation of the pregnancy. 

This doesn’t rule out more direct means of communication like video or telephone calls, or even face-to-face meetings. It all depends on your and their preferences. 

Communication frequency is also important to agree upon. While some people prefer to check in regularly and be more engaged during the process, others may only want to have limited or as-needed contact for reasons such as privacy.  

Aside from communication methods and frequency, it’s also important to communicate the expectations for any attempt and the overall journey. Below are the examples of items that you could discuss with the intended parents. 

  • If you prefer to have the intended parents attend appointments 
  • Are you and the intended parents comfortable with social media sharing
  • Set a maximum number of pregnancy attempts 
  • How often should you meet up and spend time together, if you want to do this 
  • If you and the intended parents agree on vaccinations including COVID vaccines, MMR vaccines, and Varicella vaccines. 

During pregnancy 

A lot of intended parents have waited years to have a child. It’s understandable when the embryo transfer is successful and you become pregnant, that they are excited and may frequently ask for updates, which could become overwhelming. 

On the other hand, some surrogates might feel that a lack of communication from the intended parents indicated that they are uncaring or not as invested in the journey as they had hoped. Because communication is essential to a positive journey, it’s important that the established communication boundaries are maintained, and that you voice your expectations as soon as you can to assure that you and the intended parents are in tune with one another in this respect. 

Openness and honesty is paramount to keeping that balance; we recommend that you talk with the intended parents beforehand to set these expectations for frequency and detail on updates. If, after these expectations are agreed upon, and you feel as though there is a disconnect somewhere, you can always reach out to our specialist to help mediate the situation. It’s our goal to make sure you are happy during your journey and that a healthy relationship is maintained with the intended parents, regardless of what that relationship may be.

An important note is that, during surrogacy, it’s necessary to allow time for a bond to happen. It’s important to make sure that you are willing to be flexible with your expectations. Everyone communicates in different ways, at different times, and some find some methods easier than others. 

Some great ways to help with the bonding process include sending the intended parents pictures of the ultrasound during each doctor’s visit or sharing when the baby is active, so they feel involved during the pregnancy. You can also discuss your preference of OBGYN options and birth plan details to make sure that you are both on the same page.

After pregnancy 

If you feel comfortable with maintaining a relationship with the intended parents after delivery, you can certainly discuss expectations with them. Some intended parents are open to maintaining a friendship with the surrogate and keeping her updated on the milestones of the growth of their child. 

If you feel uncomfortable maintaining a relationship with the intended parents after delivery, that’s totally fine as well. Our specialist will help you through the discussion of terminating the relationship. 

Reach out to a Hatch surrogacy specialist 

If you are not sure about how to approach intended parents about your concerns, you can always reach out to our surrogacy specialist first. Some of our staff at Hatch are experienced surrogates themselves and are very skilled in navigating this process. 

We can address the intended parents in a professional way that will preserve your relationship with them, saving you the concerns that might have come from approaching them yourself.  

If you are interested in knowing more about our surrogacy family at Hatch, please click here

If you want to know more about becoming a surrogate, please click here 

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