Why We Use the Term “Surrogate Mother” (Even Though It’s Outdated)
Before we dive into the full surrogate mother process, it’s important to acknowledge something right up front: most of us who carry babies for others don’t use the term surrogate mother anymore. Why?
Because we are not the mothers of the babies we carry. These children have loving, committed parents, their intended parents. Referring to the person carrying the pregnancy as a “mother” can unintentionally minimize that relationship.
Instead, many of us prefer the terms:
These terms reflect that we are not genetically related to the child and not parenting them after birth.
That said, because many people still search for phrases like what is the surrogate mother process or how does the California surrogate mother process work, I’ll be using the phrase surrogate mother throughout this article to help people find accurate, respectful information, especially if they're just starting to research surrogacy.
Now, let’s dive into what the process of becoming a surrogate mother (or intended parent) actually looks like, based on my personal experience with three surrogacies.
At its core, the surrogate mother process (also known as the gestational surrogate mother process) is a collaborative journey between a Gestational Carrier and intended parents. The surrogate carries a pregnancy that was created via IVF using either the intended parents’ or donors’ genetic material.
The process of being a surrogate mother is structured, deeply meaningful, and designed to protect the legal and emotional rights of everyone involved, including, most importantly, the baby.
Whether you're thinking about becoming a surrogate or looking for one, the journey starts with thorough screening.
For Surrogates:
The process to become a surrogate mother includes:
Candidates who meet all the qualifications are able to move forward. We want to make sure that this process will be safe and healthy for not only the potential baby but the surrogate as well.
For Intended Parents:
You’ll also go through background screening, psychological screening and a detailed consultation to discuss your family-building goals, preferences, and legal readiness.
At Hatch, we have our own matching department and over 34 years of experience matching families based on multiple criteria for compatibility. Our curated matching process means that 9 out of 10 of our first matches go forward.
This part of the surrogate mother process is more than just putting the next Intended Parent with a surrogate, it’s about compatibility, trust, goals and shared values.
Surrogates Ask:
Intended Parents Ask:
The matching process is a very thought-out process and so important during surrogacy. This is someone you will be with for the next few months, going through some very intimate moments together. We want to make sure both parties are comfortable and confident in this match.
Before any medications begin, a legally binding surrogacy agreement is created.
This outlines:
Each party has their own legal counsel to ensure their interests are protected. If you’re an LGBTQ+ couple, or utilizing donor eggs/sperm, your attorney may address additional parentage steps based on your state’s laws.
For Intended Parents:
For Surrogates:
The process of becoming a surrogate mother includes:
After transfer, there’s a two-week wait for a pregnancy confirmation. This can be an emotional time, especially if the first attempt isn’t successful.
If the embryo is successful, pregnancy begins, and so does the real heart of the process of being a surrogate mother.
Communication:
Whether you prefer regular texts, weekly updates, or just milestones, the relationship is customized based on everyone’s comfort. As a surrogate, I’ve chosen to have very close relationships with my Intended Parents. This made the process so meaningful, special, and exactly what I was looking for.
Support:
Intended parents often worry “how do I support someone else through a pregnancy I’m not carrying?” Surrogates just appreciate your presence, encouragement, and empathy. You don’t have to do everything; just be involved in a way that’s meaningful for everyone.
Surrogates give birth in a hospital near them, with intended parents present if possible. Immediately after birth, legal parentage is confirmed (often through a pre-birth order), and the baby goes home with their parents. YAY!
For surrogates, it’s a time of mixed emotions, joy, relief, pride, and sometimes a little grief. This is completely normal. Agencies like Hatch provide ongoing postpartum and emotional support, which is essential for everyone’s long-term wellness.
In my experience, the grief wasn’t from them taking the baby- it was the journey coming to an end. The relationship starts to shift, in an amazing way but it is different. They are now new parents and are experiencing something they never have before. They may need time to adjust, travel home and settle in. Overall, it’s amazing. Especially getting to finally sleep comfortably!
How long does the surrogate mother process take?
It typically takes 14–18 months from the initial consultation to holding your baby. For surrogates, the timeline includes screening, matching, medical prep, pregnancy and postpartum recovery.
Will I have a relationship with my surrogate or intended parents?
Most relationships are respectful, open, and warm, but not overly intimate unless mutually desired. Communication expectations are set early in the process.
What if something goes wrong?
Surrogacy contracts address everything from medical complications to miscarriages to emotional support. Hatch has over 34 years of experience, which means navigating hard things with grace is what we do. We are here to protect and take care of you during this process.
Are there hidden surrogacy costs?
Surrogacy involves clear financial planning: surrogate compensation, medical expenses, legal fees, and insurance. Hatch has transparent compensation and a 3rd party escrow account to minimize surprises.
Surrogacy offers a powerful path to parenthood for LGBTQ+ individuals and couples. However, the gestational surrogate mother process may involve additional steps, such as second-parent adoption or parental recognition orders depending on your location.
It’s essential to choose a surrogacy agency that not only understands these legal nuances but fully supports LGBTQ+ family-building without bias.
Whether you’re a surrogate or intended parent, this journey is emotional. The surrogate mother process is filled with joy, hope, anxiety, and anticipation. That’s why I always recommend:
You’re not just creating a baby; you’re forming one of life’s most profound partnerships.
Final Thoughts from a 3x Surrogate
If you’re asking, what is the surrogate mother process, know this: it’s a beautiful act of trust, science, and love.
As someone who’s carried four babies for two incredible families, I can tell you, yes, it takes sacrifice, but the reward is unmatched. And for intended parents, you are not giving up control, you’re gaining a teammate who wants to see your family flourish.
With over 34 years of experience, Hatch offers:
Whether you’re beginning the process of becoming a surrogate mother or are ready to start your family with the help of one, Hatch is the agency I trust to guide you every step of the way.
Ready to begin? Reach out to Hatch and start your surrogacy journey with confidence and care.
These Stories on Surrogacy - For Intended Parents
.png?width=150&height=150&name=Open-Door-Badge_Beyond-Inclusion-LGBTQ-101%20(1).png "Open-Door-Badge_Beyond-Inclusion-LGBTQ-101"){kind=icon}
