Becoming a surrogate is one of the biggest decisions a woman can make. It’s a chance to help another family experience parenthood, while taking on the physical and emotional responsibilities of pregnancy yourself.
But it’s not a decision you make alone. Talking openly with your partner, children, and close family is an essential step before beginning the journey.
In this guide, we’ll share how to start those conversations, address common questions and concerns, and make sure your loved ones feel supported and involved as you move forward with becoming a surrogate.
What Becoming a Surrogate Really Means
Before you talk to your family, it helps to be clear on what becoming a surrogate involves.
Surrogacy is a structured journey that includes medical, legal, and emotional steps designed to protect you and the intended parents:
- Medical commitment: Surrogates complete health screenings, take fertility medications, and undergo embryo transfer through in vitro fertilization (IVF). The pregnancy is closely monitored with ultrasounds and regular checkups.
- Legal protections: Contracts are drafted before medical treatment begins. These outline the surrogate’s compensation, medical decisions, and parental rights.
- Emotional responsibility: While becoming a surrogate is deeply rewarding, it can also be demanding. That’s why most surrogacy agencies provide counseling and support systems for both surrogates and their families.
Understanding the scope of the journey helps you explain it to your partner and children, and prepares you to answer questions from relatives or friends who may not know much about surrogacy.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Becoming a Surrogate
The first and most important conversation about becoming a surrogate is with your partner. Surrogacy is a journey that affects both of you, and having your partner’s support will make the experience smoother and more meaningful.
Preparing for the Conversation
Before initiating the conversation with your partner about becoming a surrogate, it is essential to be well-prepared, both emotionally and informationally. This preparation will create a supportive and understanding environment where both of you can discuss your thoughts and feelings openly.
Consider Why You Want To Become a Surrogate
Before bringing it up, take time to clarify your own reasons for wanting to become a surrogate. Whether it’s the joy of helping another family or the personal fulfillment of pregnancy, being able to explain your motivations will help your partner understand why this matters to you.
Understand the Surrogacy Journey
Next, familiarize yourself with the process of becoming a surrogate. It's important to discuss the steps involved from matching to how pregnancy is achieved through IVF, and ultimately how you feel about creating a family for intended parents.
Know the Benefits of Surrogacy and Their Impact on Your Family
Gathering detailed information on the timelines, processes, and surrogate compensation can help showcase the wonderful benefits you can expect from this journey. Knowing the typical duration of the journey, the steps required, and the financial aspects can answer many of your partner’s questions.
Common Concerns for Partners About Surrogacy
Navigating the journey of surrogacy can be a complex and emotional experience, especially for partners. It's natural to have concerns and questions about such a significant decision that impacts the entire family. Here, we address some of the most common concerns partners might have.
Health Risks of Surrogacy
One of the foremost concerns partners often have is the health risks associated with surrogacy.
Like any pregnancy, surrogacy comes with its own set of risks and challenges. These can range from potential conception challenges to the physical demands of pregnancy that may arise.
You and your partner should be fully informed about these risks. Engaging in open conversations with healthcare professionals through medical screening, seeking second opinions if necessary, and staying informed about the latest medical advancements can help alleviate some of these fears.
Legal Concerns of Surrogacy
The legal landscape of surrogacy can be daunting. Partners may worry about the legal rights of all parties involved, the enforceability of contracts, and the protection of the surrogate's and intended parents' interests.
Fortunately, all legal fees for surrogates are covered by their intended parents. Hatch collaborates with some of the best attorneys in reproductive and family law, providing peace of mind for everyone and helping families feel more secure in the decision-making process.
How Surrogate Babies are Created
Understanding the process of gestational surrogacy can help mitigate concerns. Gestational surrogates do not share a genetic connection with the child they carry. Instead, an embryo created through IVF is transferred to the surrogate's womb. This means the child is genetically related to the intended parents or donors, not the surrogate.
What Becoming a Surrogate Means for Your Relationship
Embarking on the surrogacy journey is a life-changing experience not only for you but also for your family. It's important to recognize that this path may bring about lifestyle changes that require mutual support and understanding.
Lifestyle Adjustments
Pregnancy brings physical demands, and surrogacy often involves extra appointments and treatments.
Your partner may need to take on more household or childcare responsibilities, provide transportation, or attend medical visits with you. Agencies like Hatch also provide compensation for lost wages if needed, easing financial strain.
Talking to Others About Pregnancy
One of the more delicate aspects involves discussing the pregnancy with others. Your partner might face questions from friends, family, and colleagues about your decision to become a surrogate. It's essential to have honest conversations and prepare yourselves with aligned explanations to handle any curiosity or misconceptions.
Intimacy and Boundaries
Fertility treatments and medical protocols may place temporary restrictions on physical intimacy. Discuss these openly so you can find alternative ways to stay connected and maintain closeness throughout the process.
Participation in Screenings
Your partner will be asked to join certain evaluations to confirm that you both understand the responsibilities of becoming a surrogate. Their participation helps ensure the agency and intended parents know you’re approaching this as a team.
Emotional and Psychological Impact
It’s common for partners to feel a mix of pride, stress, and even anxiety during the journey. Encouraging them to seek support—from counseling, friends, or support groups—can make a big difference.
Financial Considerations
Surrogacy is not meant to be an out-of-pocket expense for you. It's important to discuss and plan for compensation and financial aspects together to avoid undue stress and ensure a stable financial foundation throughout the surrogacy journey.
At Hatch, your journey will be fully covered by your intended parents.
You will receive allowances to cover everyday expenses during the cycle and pregnancy. We recommend keeping your receipts if you incur any small out-of-pocket costs, such as parking, to submit for reimbursement.
Taking Next Steps to Become a Surrogate
Now that you are equipped with the most common concerns partners have regarding surrogacy, journey details, and understanding the process, you are ready to share your aspirations with your partner.
Remember, the topic of surrogacy may be an ongoing conversation as you both share and connect on what this journey could mean for your family. Continue scrolling for insights into sharing surrogacy with your children.
Check out this surrogate and husband duo as they share their surrogacy journey as a team:
How to Talk to Your Kids About Becoming a Surrogate
Once your partner supports your decision, the next step is sharing it with your children and close family members. Family reactions can vary, and preparing for these conversations helps ensure they feel included and supportive throughout your surrogacy journey.
How Will Being a Surrogate Affect My Kids?
It's natural to wonder how becoming a surrogate will impact your own children.
At Hatch, we believe in fostering open, age-appropriate conversations with your kids about this incredible journey.
Explain to them the gift you're giving to another family, and how your own family will be part of this beautiful story.
Assure them of your unwavering love and involvement in their lives throughout the process. Helping them feel included and excited about this journey can teach them empathy, generosity, and the power of creating happiness for others.
It’s a journey that can positively shape their outlook on life, nurturing a compassionate and understanding spirit within them.
When and How Should I Tell My Kids About Surrogacy?
Talking with children about the “birds and the bees” and that Mr. Stork doesn’t actually deliver babies is a challenge of its own. But when you’re carrying a baby for someone else, the conversation can become even more complicated for your young ones.
Having the surrogacy talk with children isn’t often thought of right away, but it’s extremely important to have those conversations as you match with your intended parents and confirm becoming a surrogate, especially with younger children at an impressionable age.
Some of the more common questions we see that could come from your children include:
- Is this your baby that you’re giving away to someone else? It’s important to have your children understand that this is not your child, but that you are helping someone else have theirs. See the Cake Analogy below for a great example on how to explain this.
- Will this be my baby brother or sister? Although genetically speaking, they will not be related, it’s up to you and the intended parents’ relationship on how you interact post-delivery. Some intended parents prefer to keep in contact with their surrogate, opening up the opportunity for your children to stay in touch with theirs. Make sure you are clear with your child on the matter, depending on the agreement with the intended parents.
- When the baby is older, will we get to visit him/her? The same rules apply here as above. This is subject to the intended parents’ wishes and what is agreed upon initially. Always speak with the intended parents about whether they are comfortable with future communication or not.
Getting children to understand surrogacy can be difficult, but the use of analogies often works well.
Consider the Cake Analogy. Making a baby is like baking a cake, your matched intended parents have the recipe and special ingredients needed to bake a cake. And you’re just baking the cake in the oven for them until it’s ready to come out.
Keeping Your Family Involved in the Surrogacy Process
While many of the above questions also apply to other family members and close friends, it’s important to note that there are other important people in your network beyond your spouse and children.
From your parents to your closest friends, the importance of having your confidants in the know is not something to shy away from. It can often be a benefit to have someone that you don’t see every day but can trust to give you a fresh perspective on your progress through your journey. Whether it be your high school best friend that you see for coffee every month or your mother, when you need someone to be there for you, it’s good to have them up to speed and on your side.
Surrogacy Resources for Your Journey
Rest assured that there are plenty of resources available to guide and support you on this journey. From detailed information and research to support networks and professional guidance. Hatch Fertility is committed to providing the best resources and assistance, ensuring you have a positive and fulfilling experience.
Surrogacy Books
- Birthing a Mother: The Surrogate Body and the Pregnant Self by Elly Teman
- Labor of Love: Gestational Surrogacy and the Work of Making Babies (Families in Focus) by Heather Jacobson
- The Kangaroo Pouch: A story about surrogacy for young children by Sarah A. Phillips and Laurie A. Faust
- Sophia's Broken Crayons: A Story of Surrogacy from a Young Child's Perspective by Crystal A Falk
- My Mom is a Surrogate by Abigail Glass
Surrogacy Podcasts
Become a Surrogate With Hatch Fertility
Choosing to become a surrogate with Hatch means joining a community deeply committed to empathy and support. Our team comprises former surrogates and intended parents, offering you first-hand guidance grounded in personal experience. With over 30 years of expertise in serving families, Hatch Fertility ensures a caring and knowledgeable journey, making your selfless decision even more rewarding. Together, we create families and bring dreams to life.
